Parenting - taken from Thestar

Handling conflict
CHILDWISE:By RUTH LIEW


How to stop your child from taking advantage of you.

I USED to be a kindergarten teacher. My daughter attended the same kindergarten when she was three. I taught there for six years. Now my daughter is seven years old. I have to deal with her difficult behaviour since her brother was born.

Lately I find that she is taking advantage of me. She refuses to do things on her own. She would seek my help in everything, even in dressing herself or tidying her bedroom.

My son has since grown to be independent. He is able to bathe himself without my help and manage many chores around the house. My daughter is just the opposite; she is dependent and has no initiative.

If I want my daughter to do something, I have to scold her repeatedly or shout at her to get her attention. Most of the time, she does not comply with my wishes. When she does, she would do something different from what I expect.

I stopped working after my son was born. I spend more time with my children than most working mothers. Yet my daughter tells me that I don’t spend enough time with her.

I often find myself in conflict with my daughter. I was a popular kindergarten teacher. Many parents requested for their children to be enrolled in my class. I could manage their behaviour very well, but now I cannot handle my own daughter. - Concerned Mother

THE deep concern parents have for their children often lead to parent-child conflicts. In many homes, parents find their children’s behaviour unacceptable because they do not comply with their wishes.

It is a mistaken belief that only parents can change their children’s negative behaviour. It leads to further dissension when parents force their ideas on children without respecting their individual rights. When you believe that your child is not capable of helping herself, she will do exactly that.

Children can learn self-discipline and cooperation without parents dominating or imposing on them.

If you demand that your daughter follow your ways, she will respond with strong opposition because she wants you to recognise and respect her as a person.

I understand your strong desire to be a good parent, the way you were a good teacher. Having such expectations of yourself will cause you to feel guilty when your child does not behave in a certain way.

Consequently, you find yourself doing everything for your child. The more you do, the less your child will be responsible for herself.

Instead of reprimanding her, help her learn the correct behaviour by allowing her to experience the consequences of her actions. Responsibility cannot be learned when your child is not required to experience the consequences of her irresponsibility. For example, if she does not do her chores, she has to forgo privileges like watching television or playing with her dolls.

Highlight her good moments with special attention. She needs to know that she can be good without your fussing or nagging. More importantly, she will know that you notice her capabilities and love her. Being a parent is not just about teaching; it is also about learning. Know your child’s needs and support her well.

MY DAUGHTER who is two and a half, still wets her bed at night. I have already toilet-trained her. Her toilet habits are good during the day, but at night she cannot wake up to use the toilet and ends up wetting the bed. What should I do? - Worried Mother

FOR most children around your daughter’s age, bladder control at night comes last. Through the years, parents have tried different ways of training their children to stay dry at night.

One of the ways is to take the child to the toilet before going to bed. Some will limit water intake before bedtime. Bed-wetting accidents do happen even to young children who are toilet-trained.

If you feel anxious about your daughter’s bed-wetting, keep the diapers on at night until she wakes up with a dry diaper. When this happens, encourage your child to use the toilet before she goes to sleep. Leave a potty in her room where she can easily use it. Be sure there is a night-light on so she can see what she is doing. Always be prepared to help out when necessary.

Toilet-training will take as long as your child needs to succeed. Remember, the ability to use the potty independently is a milestone in your child’s development. If you pressure her to achieve night-time control before she is ready, she may lose her confidence. This may lead to greater difficulty in bladder control.

To help make things easier, you may want to put a rubber sheet under the bedsheets. You may want her to wear clothes that are easy to remove. This will make it hassle-free when she uses the toilet at night.

Avoid confrontation with your child. If she refuses to use the potty on certain nights, do not force her to do so. Your feelings play an important role in getting her to be toilet-trained at night. Stay calm and in control of your response to your child, no matter what happens.