Christian Parenting II

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SPANKING - When is a child old enough to be spanked and how should it be done?
CLAUDIA (a parent, asks): I have a nine month old, and I have been swatting him on the hand every once in a while for misbehaving. Is this okay?

KEVIN (Dr. Kevin ): Why do you swat him?

CLAUDIA: He plays with the stereo and I don't want him to get into the habit, so I say no, and then I give him a little swat on the hand. He is catching on, but I am wondering if this is too young.

KEVIN: I'm on record, Claudia, as saying, first, nine months is too young to swat a child. I think age two is about as early as I would ever like to start with a swat on the child's popo or bumbum. Second, I don't recommend swatting a child on the hands or the backs of the legs. Nor do I believe it is ever right to slap a child in the face.And, when applying a swat to a child's bottom, which is the best and most natural place to administer this kind of discipline, I don't like using objects like paddles or spoons. I think the same loving hand that helps a child up when he falls is the same loving hand that should administer the swat. The idea behind the swat on the tail is to get the child's attention and to let him know that Mom or Dad is very displeased with what just happened.

RANDY (Randy): I think it helps to be even more definitive. When we talk about a swat, no way are we talking about leaving marks on children. It gets back to the purpose of spanking, which is direction, discipline, teaching - redirecting the child.

KEVIN: It is part of the guiding process. Scripture tells us to train up our children and guide them. Parents who emphasize "spare the rod and spoil the child" often misunderstand the spirit of God's law and overdo it. I always like to remind parents that the shepherds used the rod, for the most part, to guide their sheep, not whack them over the head.I recall a woman at one of our seminars who talked about the picture of Jesus with a little lamb over his shoulders. Her incredible rationale for spanking her own children was that shepherds in Bible times would break the legs of lambs that strayed, then put them in splints and carry them on their shoulders until they healed. That way, the little lambs learned to stay near the shepherds, and not stray again from the right path. The lady was right about what the shepherds did to sheep back then, but it left me wondering how far shed go when spanking one of her own little lambs. It makes me shudder to even intimate that "discipline" means beating the living daylights out of a kid, but there are some parents who think that way. That's why we always talk about disciplining children in love. If you love the child, you will discipline the child, but you wont abuse the child. Discipline and love go hand in hand.

RANDY: Another thing to remember is that some children will respond more favorably to spanking than others. I can count on one hand the number of times I was spanked as a child, while my oldest brother, Warren, was spanked regularly. My parents tell me that spanking was very effective with me, but it had little effect on Warren. With some kids you can spank and spank, and it just becomes a power struggle. But if you're going to spank at all, Claudia, it shouldn't be done any younger than eighteen to twenty-four months. Kevin leans to twenty-four months, but I would go down to maybe eighteen.

What is the best way to discipline a child under two years?

CLAUDIA: Okay, I see your point, but if I can’t give my nine month old a light swat, how do I keep him away from the stereo? Its too big to move out of his way.
KEVIN: Then just remove him from the scene. Its the best single thing you can do.

CLAUDIA: But what happens if he just crawls right back and does the same thing again?

KEVIN: There is not a little "ankle biter" who doesn't, in fact, crawl with great speed and accuracy back to whatever he wants. You could pick him up and remove him again, and if he crawls back one more time, I would invite you to use a brand new discovery called a "playpen," It has soft but firm walls that say, "Okay, you sit here for a while." For a nine month old, a playpen is a very good form of discipline because discipline should start very early. Spanking, however, should not start that early.How can a parent be too powerful with a child?

AUDREY (a parent, asks): What did you mean when you talk about a parent being too powerful with the child?

KEVIN: One of the primary ways a parent can be too powerful is to use spanking as the primary means of controlling a child's behavior. If that's the case with you or your husband, my suggestion is to back off and, instead of spanking the child, put him in a safe place and give him time to calm down. Also, it will help to back off on any other powerful behaviors you may be using with your child, such as making every decision for him, criticizing or correcting him at every turn, or comparing him to older children and saying things like, "Why don't you act like your big brother?" Remember, powerful behavior from a parent will always breed powerful behavior in a child.
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FEAR OF THE DARK - How can I help my child to trust in God's care when she is afraid at night?

LUCY (a grandparent, asks): I was visiting my five-year old granddaughter for a few days and every night she had these horrible fears of the dark. She wanted to sleep with her grandpa and me. I checked with my daughter and her husband to see if it was okay for her to come in bed with us for a few nights. Then I told her,I'm going to ask God to help you go to sleep at night, because night and the dark are made for rest, and daytime and sunshine are made for play and all the things that we like to do.

KEVIN (Dr. Kevin): Unless, of course, you are a raccoon.

LUCY: The third night we were there, we were having our prayer time and Tammy reminded me,You forgot to ask God to help me to sleep.
So we prayed again and I asked God to help her to sleep that night and to get her rest. We spent five nights there and every night she fell asleep better than she had before. By the end of the week, my husband, who had always been on the other side of the bed listening to us pray, said,You know, I believe that it really helped for you to ask God to help Tammy go to sleep at night and rest.

SALLY (a guest on the radio show): That's a wonderful little story, Lucy, and it reminds me that it helps to mention to children that everyone is afraid sometimes, even Grandma and Grandpa and Mommy and Daddy. One of the best little books I've ever found to read to a child who may be a bit fearful is called Here and There and Everywhere: Jesus Is With Me. Reading it to a young child will help reassure him of God nearness.

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REALITY DISCIPLINE - What is it?

KEVIN [Dr. Kevin ]: We never tell parents to punish. We tell them to discipline, train, and teach their kids, but that doesn't mean that there might not be some kind of "pain" or consequence involved. That's how the kids learn what the real world is like and how it works. Reality Discipline gives the child a chance to make his own decisions and then live with the result of his mistakes and his failures or his good choices and his successes.

RANDY [Randy]: You know, Kevin, when we tell people they can give children choices, some moms and dads might think that sounds permissive…

KEVIN: Not on your autographed copy of Dr. Spock! The last thing you can call Reality Discipline would be "permissive." But the best thing about it is that it is not authoritarian. Reality Discipline helps parents avoid making some big mistakes. Authoritarian parents often tend to think that they own their children; that they are judge and jury of every little thing that happens; that their children can’t fail; and—heroes the favorite—"Look, Kid, I'm the boss and what I say goes!"
We always say that the parents are in healthy authority over their kids. In other words, I never let my kids use me or manipulate me, but at the same time I don't come down on them with "Its my way or the highway!" That can work with some kids for a while—maybe while they grow up, but later in life it can come back to haunt everybody.

RANDY: Okay, at "Parent Talk" we’re not permissive, nor are we authoritarian. We hit a happy medium—maybe the best way to describe it is authoritative. A child doesn't care what you know about parenting; what he really wants to know is, "Do you care about me?" That's really the essence of Reality Discipline. By holding kids accountable, or, as you say, Kevin, "pulling the rug out," parents use a combination of love and limits, which helps children feel safe and secure as they grow and develop during their maturing years.

KEVIN: We always like to say,“Love and discipline go hand in hand.”
Pulling the rug out means the parent goes into action and just doesn't do a lot of talking. Kids can smell it in a minute if you just talk and don't really mean it. And after you pull the rug, you stick to your guns and hold your children accountable for their actions. That's how they learn from any experience.Using Reality Discipline means…Being in healthy authority over your children. Holding your children accountable for their actions Combining love and limits on a consistent basis. Dealing with every child as the unique individual he or she is. Being tough but always fair. Using action instead of words. Sticking to your guns and following through with enforcing consequences. Following the biblical instruction not to exasperate your children and make them angry and resentful, but to bring them up with loving discipline and godly advice (see Eph. 6:4, The Living Bible).

If I haven't used reality discipline before, can I just start “cold turkey”, or should I ease into it slowly?

ANN [a parent]: I have two boys, nine and seven, and a little girl, three. I can see using Reality Discipline with her, and I've already started, but what about my boys? They're the typical, strong-willed type. They are constantly giving me a bad time, particularly with not wanting to get ready for school. Both of them are night owls—bedtime is a battle, too, and when it's time to get up, they just don't make it and every morning it's a hassle.

KEVIN [Dr. Kevin]: You can start “cold turkey,” and you can start without apology. You might say this much to your boys:Boys, things are going to be different from this day forward.
End of explanation. Don't give them a lot of warnings about if they misbehave they're going to have to pay the consequences, if they don't get up on time, they're really going to get in trouble, and so on. When Reality Discipline is used correctly, there are no warnings—none—because warnings are disrespectful acts.

RANDY [Randy]: For kids who don't want to get up for school and morning is a hassle, we usually have one basic solution: be sure the child has an alarm clock and knows how to use it. Then tell him,It's your responsibility to set your alarm and get up in time to clean up, get dressed, get breakfast eaten, and leave for school on time.
If your child says,But Mom, aren't you going to help get me up the way you always have?
You reply,From now on, it is your responsibility.
And leave it at that. What your child is probably used to is having you poke your head in the door in the morning and say, "Honey, it's 7:20," and five minutes later you're back again saying, "Honey, it's 7:25." Then, when it's 7:30 your voice increases in intensity and instead of calling the child, "Honey," it's "John Allen! You've got to get up for school or you're going to be late." When the kid hears his middle name, it's probably the first time he even begins to stir. Now he knows that Mom is getting upset and that he's pushed her as far as he dares.

ANN: But what if I give him the clock, and make him responsible to get up and he doesn't? What then?

RANDY: Then he's going to be late. No rescuing him by driving him down to school. And no writing him an excuse. Send a note along, but simple have it say,
“Dear Teacher:
The reason why little Harlan was late today is because he didn't get himself up for school on time. We have made this his responsibility and he is totally responsible for being late today.”

KEVIN: Letting your child be late for school a few times may be embarrassing. You might want to call the teacher and explain what you're trying to do and enlist her cooperation. When little Harlan starts realizing that you are not going to bail him out when he plays his usual game, that is when he will start feeling the pain and being accountable. He's going to have to explain to the teacher why he's late, and he'll have to accept the discipline she gives him—detention time at recess or staying after school, or whatever.

Reality Discipline is not just a technique to discipline children. It's really a way of life for all of us. It's respectful, action-oriented, and it gives you an out in so many situations where you might otherwise be pummeled by your powerful little buzzards. So keep in mind the goal: To raise adults, not children. Someday they are going to leave your nest and no longer be under your protection. Hold them close in the early years, but bit by bit always look ahead to when you must let them go. Reality Discipline is the way to give them new challenges and responsibilities, so that someday they will be able to make the kind of decisions that life requires of them.

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TV AND MOVIE CONTROL - How do I say no in a positive way when my child wants to watch bad TV or movies?

I'm a single parent [LUETTA] and I have my ten-year-old daughter living with me while my sixteen-year-old son lives with his dad. I need some guidelines on how to communicate my values, particularly about TV - some of the cartoons. How can I explain to her that they might look innocent enough, but they are really not good to watch? When I try, she simply says, "Oh, Mom, so what if there are some bad words? I hear this all the time at school. I don't see anything wrong with this program." I usually wind up just letting it go, and I don't know what to do about it.
RANDY : In other words, your ten-year-old is sort of running the house.

LUETTA: In some respects, that's true. Maybe I try to take it too easy on her because of the marital breakup and all the things she's been going through. I was divorced only a year ago, so she's still hurting. I'm having a difficult time staying in control.

DR. KEVIN : Try to look at your parenting task as being in healthy authority over your child rather than being in control of her at all times, which is impossible. As the single parent, your job is to establish boundaries that are reasonable and firm and then hold your child accountable for staying within those boundaries. It's my guess, as a single mom, you are letting guilt influence a lot of your decisions. Guilt is making you too permissive and, Luetta, you can't let guilt rule your life and then give your daughter carte blanche as far as what she wants to watch on TV.

LUETTA: I'd like to throw this in to help you understand the situation. I've always been a pleaser. I do let my kids have their way because I think that if I don't they won't love me. I know that's not true, but that's how I feel.

RANDY: So you grew up being a pleaser and now that you're a single parent it's obvious that you can't put that pleasing nature and inability to confront on a back burner. You still want people to like you, particularly your daughter. But I think, Luetta, you have to realize, as a parent, your job is to love and discipline your child, not to be liked by your child. There will be times when your daughter won't like you - particularly if you make her change the channel. But your job is to set the boundaries in love and her job is to respect you and obey you. In the long term, you hope that she will love and like you for what you did.

LUETTA: But how do I explain why I don't want her to watch certain programs and movies?

KEVIN: You have to be sure of your own values and stick to your guns. If a program has bad language, just tell her, "Look, I know you hear bad language at school, but that doesn't mean we have to hear it in our home. Let's find another program."
If there's too much violence, just tell her, "This show is too violent. The people who made this program want us to think that killing or hurting people is the way to solve problems."
As for programs that are sexy, this is a great opportunity to share your views about sex, dating, boys, men. Let her know that sex is something wonderful and these programs turn it into something cheap and dirty.

RANDY: The important thing, Luetta, is not to back off. Stand your ground and when in doubt, simply say, "No, we aren't going to watch this or do this because it simply isn't right or good. I love you too much to let you watch or do this." As a single mother who knows she's permissive, you have to keep working at being as authoritative as possible. You have no partner to back you up or provide a balancing style of discipline, so you have to provide that balance yourself. Just hang in there, Luetta; you and your daughter will be okay.